Episode 50 The Reset Button

Today we’re talking about “The Reset Button: What to Do When Life Goes Sideways.”

Artist singing is Samuel Woods.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xX5HgkUmFUTh0gCQKex2E?si=9a49f7c96b414611

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Good day out there. Today we are on episode fifty. Can you believe that we have gone this far? And if you come to this journey with me, I want to thank you. But it has been an interesting roller coaster up and down. So, today's episode is called the Reset Button. What to do when life goes sideways. I am your host, Joey McBride, and I think that this topic can relate to a lot of us. Because let's be honest, sometimes the day starts out fine, and then out of nowhere, everything shifts. Crap hits the fan. You don't you don't expect that. Maybe you wake up feeling off, maybe your kids are running late, the bills are sitting on the counter, your phone won't stop ringing, traffic is backed up, someone says the wrong thing, and before you know it, your whole body is on edge. Now for veterans of first responders, that sideways feeling can hit us hit fast. BTSD, anxiety, depression, TBI, stress, flashbacks, and being overwhelmed can turn a normal day into something that feels very impossible. For spouses and caregivers, life can go sideways for them too. Maybe you're trying to hold everything together, but inside you're tired, you're frustrated, you're scared, or you're just worn very thin. And even for our young adults, life can go sideways for them as well. And they're trying to figure out who they are, where they're going, and how to handle all the pressures coming at them. So today we're not just going to pretend that life always goes smoothly. We're going to talk about what to do when life does not. We're going to talk about how to pause, how to breathe, how to reset, how to repair, and how to repair again. Because here's the truth bad moments does not always have to be a bad day. A bad day does not have to become a hard life. And hard seasons does not mean that your story is over. But before I go on any further, I want to remind you that if you are ever feeling overwhelmed or if life feels too heavy, or you just need somebody to talk to, you can call or text 988. It's free, confidential, and it's available 247, and somebody is there to listen to you. But I will not exclude myself. You can also reach out to me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org. Now, take a breath with me. Inhale slowly. Hold it for a second. Now exhale. Today we are going to find the reset button again. What it feels like when life goes sideways. When life goes sideways, it usually does not ask permission. It just shows up. It can feel like confusion, like your brain cannot organize what's happening. It can feel anger, like everything inside of you is ready to snap. It can feel like a panic where your heart races, your chest tightens, and your mind starts jumping from one worry to the next. It can feel shut like shut down. Like you're not wanting to talk. You do not want to move. You do not want to make another decision. For someone with PTSD, sideways can look like being triggered by a sound, a smell, a crowd, conversation, or even a memory. For someone with TBI, sideways can look confused, frustration, overstimulated, memory issues, or being unable to explain what is wrong. Now for caregivers and spouses, sideways may look like watching someone you love struggle and not knowing how to help. And sometimes life going sideways looks ordinary from the outside. You might be sitting quietly, you might look fine, but everything inside you, everything feels loud. That's why today's reset tool matters. It gives us something to do when our mind says, I don't know what to do. Your goal is not to be perfect. Your goal is not to interrupt the spiral. The goal is to say, this moment is hard, but I can take one more step. Now I can honestly say to you, I really know what this is like because I just got off, came back from a family vacation. The vacation went fine. Everything, the days, the time that we were there was really good. There was really not much of an episode. It wasn't until we got home or on our way home. It was little things that was setting me off. And I didn't resolve the issue shortly after it happened. And it built and build and build, and I snapped. I snapped rather hard because I snapped at my wife, I snapped at my service dogs. It was not the best thing to do. So yeah, life went sideways for me. And it took me a while to calm down and stop and realize kind of what I'm doing. But it still took a bit. And I end up having to apologize at least twice to my family because of how I was. And that's not me. But I know I'm not perfect. I know I still have bad days. But I'm trying, like you, to learn how to react not to not to react the way we're used to, not not react by snapping at somebody and chewing their head off. That's not it. Today is about trying to help slow it down or help stop it and learning how to come around on the other side. So our first first tool, the pause before the reaction. The first tool, first reset tool is simple, but powerful. It is called the pause before the reaction. When life goes sideways, most of us want to react right away. We want to defend ourselves, we want to shut down, we want to walk away, we want to yell, we want to fix everything immediately. But the pause gives us a little space. And sometimes a little space is all we need. And here's how it might work. When you feel yourself getting worked up, say to yourself, pause, breathe, chew. That is it. Pause for a minute, take a quick breath, and choose at that moment what you want to do. You can even put your hand on your chest or your stomach and say, I do not have to react to this. That sentence can save relationships. It can save your peace. It can keep a hard moment from turning into something bigger. For veterans and first responders, that pause can help your body think that you are back in danger. Even when you're actually safe. For caregivers and spouses, that pause can help when you are tired of being patient and you feel yourself reaching the edge. For young adults, the pause can be sending a text, quitting a job, snapping at the parent, or making a choice to panic instead of clarity. Here's a practice you can give yourself. When life goes sideways, ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? What is my body doing right now? What do I need to do before I respond? Can this wait five minutes? Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is not speak right away. Sometimes the reset button starts with silence. Not the kind of silence that punishes people, the kind of silence that protects peace. Tool number two. The three-minute reset. Second tool is called a three-minute reset. For this, or for those moments when everything feels too much, but you do not have an hour to calm down. Maybe you're at work. Maybe you're in the car. Maybe you're at the grocery store, or in the middle of a family stress. Here's the three-minute reset. Minute one. Breathe. Take a slow breath in for four seconds. Hold it for four seconds. And then exhale for four seconds. Do that three times. You're telling your nervous system we are not in immediate danger. We can slow down. Minute two, ground. Look around and name three things you can see, two things you can touch, and one thing you can hear. This helps bring your back brain back into the present moment. Minute three. Choose one next step. Ask yourself what is the right thing I can do? Not the next ten things, not the whole life plan, but just the next right thing. That may be drinking water, it may be stepping outside, it may be texting someone, it may be saying, I need a minute. It may be apologizing. It may be resetting. This tool works because it gives structure to chaos. When your brain is overwhelmed, you need something simple. Breathe. How about when PTSD or anxiety takes over? Sometimes the body reacts before the mind understands what is happening. A sound can send you back. A smell can trigger a memory. A crowd can feel threatening. A conversation, you make your chest tighten. Or you might be in a small space where you feel claustrophobic. And when that happens, it can feel like you're not fully in the present moment anymore. Here are some reset tools for PTSD and anxiety. Name the present. Say it out loud. My name is Joey. I am here. Today is today, and I'm not back there. I am safe in this moment. Now, of course, you gotta say your own name and your location and the date. But use that small thing to help yourself. This helps the brain separate the past from the present. Use cold water. Run cold water over your hands. Hold a cold bottle. Place a cool cloth on your neck. Cold sensations can help bring out the nervous system back down. Next, need to find an exit plan. If you're going into a crowded place, know where the exits are. That does not mean you're weak. It means you're prepared. Yes, I know most of us do that anyways when we go into a new room or new surrounding. We look for those exit plates in and out where people can come to and go through. But it can also help us by saying looking and saying, okay, you know what? If anything goes wrong, I can slip out this way and nobody will fully know. Sometimes just knowing that you have a way out that helps you stay in. Use a grounding object. Carry something small. A coin, a smooth stone, a bracelet, a keychain. When you feel overwhelmed, hold it and describe it to yourself. Is it smooth, cold, hot, heavy, round, textured? That little object can remind you I am here, I am now. And of course, I will probably say this throughout, but if anything does feel heavy, text or call 988. You don't have to wait until things are falling apart to reach out. You can reach out to me or them anytime you feel like it to get an honest, upfront conversation with somebody. When your TBI makes your day go sideways, TBI can make stressful moments feel even harder because the brain is already working on overtime. TBI can affect memory, focus, emotions, sleep, energy, and how quickly you process this information. So when life goes sideways, someone with TBI might feel confused, angry, overstimulated, or even embarrassed. And one of the hardest parts is not always being able to explain what is happening. So here are some tools that can hopefully help. Keep the mind, keep a simple reset part. Write down on a small card that says, I may need extra time to process. I may need a quiet space. I mean may need one instruction at the time. I'm not ignoring you. I'm overwhelmed. This could help loved ones understand without forcing you to explain everything in the moment. Use fewer words. And when someone is overwhelmed with TBI, too many words can make things a lot worse. For caregivers and spouses can say, I am here. Take your time. One thing at a time. Let's step away for one minute. Reduce the stimulation. Turn down the TV, lower the lights, move away from crowds. Put your phone down, sit somewhere quiet. Sometimes a reset button for TBI is not a speech, is a calmer environment. Try these routines. Routine to help the brain feel safer. A morning routine, a medication routine, a meal routine, a bedtime routine. Routines are not about being bored. They're about giving the brain fewer decisions to fight through. That can help lower stress for the person who's dealing with TBI and for those family and for the family that is around. Yes, it is a very hard thing to do. Sorry. I have TBI and I get in so much trouble because I forget so many things. I get so confused. I don't know what's what I'm doing. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. And I don't know how to handle things. I I explode. I lose my cool. And that's not good because no, I sometimes I get tired of apologizing for my actions, but I'm only trying to learn. I'm only trying to figure things out. Now I want to speak to the spouses and caregivers. Because life does go sideways. You feel it too. You may be the one watching the mood shift. You may be the one trying to calm the house. You may be carrying a lot of the stress. You may be the one wondering, what do I say? What do I do? Do I step closer? Do I give space? And you may also be carrying your own stress that nobody sees. So caregivers need a reset button too. And here are some tools. A caregiver check-in. Ask yourself, am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I scared? Do I even need to help? Sometimes caregivers are so focused on everyone else that they forget to check in on themselves. Here's a boundary phrase. Try saying, I love you and I want to help you, but I need a minute to reset to. That is not being selfish. That is being healthy. The support person can even they need to be honest. Someone who says they can say today was hard without having to explain every detail. The five-minute quick break check-in, sit in the car, step outside, go into another room, turn off the noise, breathe. Five minutes may not fix everything, but it can keep you from breaking down. To the caregivers and spouses who are listening, your stress matters too. Your heart matters too. Your health matters too. I really can't say that enough. You guys are a huge part of our growth in our family, in our relationship. So, but yes, you need to break even for yourself. There's a number of different things that you can do for yourself, but what you choose is on you. Whatever you choose, try and keep to it. Try and keep doing it. But healing connection is also here for you guys, too. You can always reach out to me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.com. And even though I may not understand from the side of caregivers and spouses, I do have a spouse that I can send your email over to her, and you guys can sit and talk. And this way it gives you somebody that knows what how you're feeling or what you're feeling. About a little humor. Because sometimes life is ridiculous. Now I want to bring in something that matters more than we sometimes admit. Humor. Not laughing at pain. Not making light of the trauma. But finding the moments where we can say, well, that was ridiculous. Because sometimes life goes sideways in ways that we are so frustrated you either laugh or you lose your mind. And yes, when you're laughing at it at a situation, the other person could feel, what the hell? Are you ignoring me? Do you think this is a funny moment? But that's something that you have to do to try and figure out how to come back into reality. Sometimes laughter is a little bit better, even though it may be dark, is something. Worth it. Maybe you walk into a room and forget why you went there. Maybe you forgot, maybe you put your phone in the refrigerator. Maybe you're looking for your glasses and they are on your face. Maybe you research a serious conversation in your head for about an hour. And then what when it appears, are you all you can say is yeah. Okay. Sometimes a little laughter breaks the tension as well. Here's a fun tool. The plot twist reframe. When something small goes wrong, say a plot twist. Spilled coffee, plot twist. Forget what you were doing, plot twist. Dog throws up right before company comes over, big plot twist. This does not fix the problem, but it gives your brain a different way to hold it. Instead of instead of ruining, instead of everything is ruined, it becomes this part of the story. And if you can find this even the small laughs inside of a hard day, that is not weakness. That is resilience. After a sideway moment. One thing we need to talk about is what happens after the storm passes. Do we know what to do after we snap? After we shut down, after we scared someone, after we did not do our best. This is where repair comes in. Repair is powerful. Repair says that moment happened, but it does not get the final word. Here's some phrases that you can use. I'm sorry for how I reacted. I was overwhelmed, but I did not know it affected you. Thank you for being patient with me. I am working on handling these moments better. What did what do you need for me that I missed? Can we reset together? For spouses and caregivers, repair may sound like, I know you are struggling, but I was scared too. I want to support you, but I need us to talk about what happened. I love you, and I need you to have a plan for the next time. Repair is not shameful. It is about rebuilding trust. A hard moment can damage connection. A repair moment can rebuild it. And sometimes relationships grow stronger, not because nothing ever goes wrong, but because people learn how to come back towards each other afterwards. Rebuilding your personal reset plan. Now, let's put this together. I want listeners to build a simple personal reset plan. You can write this down, unless you're driving, of course, then you know you can do this for later, or go back when you have a time when you're not by reset plan. When I feel life is going sideways, I will first take three breaths. Then I will ground myself by naming what I see, what I touch, and what I hear. If I need space, I will say I need a minute to reset. I will come back. If I need help, I will contact one help named a person. If I feel overwhelmed or unsafe, I will text 988. After I calm down, I will repair by saying, I am sorry. Thank you for giving me the time. I am working on it. This reset plan is not complicated. That is the point. When you are overwhelmed, you do not need complication. You need clear. You need to be simple. You need something that you can actually use. And if you would like to share your reset plan with me or ask for help building one, again, you can email me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective. As we close today, I want you to remember this. Life will go sideways sometimes. You will have moments where you do not respond the way you wanted. You will have days where stress gets the best of you. You will have times where PTSD, anxiety, depression, PVI, caregiving, or just everyday pressure feels like it's too much. That does not mean you fail. It means you are human. And every moment gives us a chance to reset one breath, one pause, one choice, one repair, one step back towards connection. Again, if you are overwhelmed or if listening to this may have overwhelmed you, please call or text 988. It is very free. It's very confidential. And it is always someone there if you need somebody to talk to right then and there. And if afterwards you want, you can reach out to me by sending me an email at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org. I want to leave this with you. You're allowed to struggle, you're allowed to still have hope, you're allowed to have hard days, and you are still allowed to laugh. Healing is not about someone becoming someone new. Sometimes healing is remembering that there is still love, life, and light inside of you. Before I sign off, I want to say I apologize to my wife and to my daughter. I did not mean to lose it. Thank you for having to deal with what you dealt with through me. This is a huge apology. And I want to make sure that you understand. I am sorry. I am trying to do better. I am trying to work on it. I can't say it enough how bad I feel. But I am working on it and I'm letting it go because if I don't let go, I can't move forward. I can't close it, but I can work on it. And that's what I would like for each and every one of you to do as well. If you lose it and you blow up on somebody, apologize. I want you to know that I will always have your sex. This is Healing Connection. Until next time, take care of yourself. Reset when you need it. And remember, a bad moment does not have to become the whole story. So I see you on the flip side. Take care. And have a good day.