Episode 49 Anger is a Bodyguard

Today we’re talking about something that hits a lot of us—anger. Not the “I’m mildly annoyed” kind. I’m talking about that anger that shows up fast, feels hot, and sometimes leaves you wondering later, “Where did that even come from?”

Artist is Samuel Woods.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xX5HgkUmFUTh0gCQKex2E?si=aa23d24678254b6a

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Healing Connection. I am Joy McBride, and I will be your host for today. Today we're talking about something that hits a lot of us anger. Not that mildly, mildly annoyed kind. I'm talking about the anger that shows up fast, feels hot, sometimes leave you wondering later, where in the hell'd that come from? Well, if you ever want to share that story with me or if you'd like to share with anybody else, you can always email me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.com. And I also want to say this pretty clearly. If you're in a moment of crisis and you feel unsafe where you're thinking about hurting yourself, please, please, please do me a favor in dial or text 988. It's always free, it's always confidential, and it's open 24 hours, seven days a week. And all the veterans have to do is press one, everybody else just stay right there and somebody will be right with you. I promise. Alright, let's talk about anger and what's underneath it. Reframe. Anger is often the protector. So here's the truth. Anger is something often a bodyguard emotion. Anger is a tough guy at the door. It shows up fast because it's trying to protect something softer inside. Underneath, anger is usually something like fear, hurt, shame, grief, helplessness, exhaustion, feeling disrespected, feeling trapped or out of control. Now, I'm not excusing harm. If anger turns into yelling threats, violence, intimidation, no, no, that is not okay. What we're doing is learning how to catch it earlier, if we can. Understanding the signal and build safety in your life and in your home. So what we're going to try and do is line up some things, something you can practice later on, something you can do with a spouse or a good friend. But these are going to be things that I'm hopefully that I will give you will help you in parts of your life. I have a story to start off, and this is for a veteran or veteran people or active duty. It doesn't really matter. It's just somebody in the military. How about that? The grocery store wasn't the real problem. Now let me give you a real life example. I've talked to veterans who say, Man, I can handle a lot, but I lose it in a grocery store. And what happens wasn't some dramatic thing. It was people moving slow, a cart blocking the aisle, a kid crying, someone standing too close behind them, and suddenly their body shifted into an alert mode, heart racing, jaw tightening, visual vision narrowing. Then the thought comes. They get sharp with a stranger, or they snap at your spouse, or they storm out and sit in the car shaking. And later they're thinking why did I get angry over that cereal? But here's the truth. It wasn't the cereal. That grocery store became a threat environment to the to your nervous system. It was overloaded, it was hypervigilant, it was feeling trapped. Then anger stepped in to protect them from fear and overwhelm. So instead of I'm an angry person, it becomes my body hit high alert and I need a plan. That shift reduces shame, and shame is what keeps the anger cycling. So how about a quick grounding reset? Let's do a quick reset right now. Feet on the floor, unless you're driving, of course. Inhale slowly, hold it for a second, and then a long exhale. Again, a long exhale. I like for you to unclench your jaw, maybe let go of the steering wheel just a little bit. Drop your shoulders, relax your hands, but not too much while you're driving because you gotta pay attention. That's not soft. That is skill. Here's an angry ladder. Catch it early. Most people think of anger as a switch, which is fine, explosive. Usually it's a ladder. Irritation, tension, jaw, shoulders, shallow breathing, a short fuse, the heart, pacing, pounding, tunnel vision, and finally explosion or shutdown. But most of this damage happens between steps four and five. Most control lives in step one and two. So you should ask yourself, what does step one feel like in my body? That body signal is your exit ramp. Here's three questions I want to ask you about protect, threaten, and need. Three questions that can change everything. One, what am I protecting right now? Two, what feels threatened right now? Number three, what do I actually need right now? Because you demand your demand isn't always what you need, you demand stop talking. You need I'm overloaded, I need ten minutes. You demand get off my back. You need I feel like I'm failing and I don't know how to say it. That is anger versus pain. Here's another story I want to give you guys, and this is for spouses and caregivers. This is called walking on eggshells. Now I do want to talk to the spouses and caregivers because anger just doesn't live in one person, it actually shapes the whole house. I've heard spouses say things like, I can tell what kind of night it's going to be by the how how they close the car door. They're not being dramatic. They're describing survival. They say, I don't bring up bills late at night. I don't ask questions when they first walk in. I monitor my tone. I keep the kids quiet. I cancel plans because it's easier than risking a blow up. That is walking on eggshells. And it can slowly erase a caregiver's own identity. And if you're the spouse listening, I want you to hear this. Compassion matters. Understanding matters, but emotional safety also matters too. Anger might be connected to trauma, but fear in the home is not acceptable. And if you're the veteran or first responder listening, your pain deserves compassion. Yes. But your family deserves safety. Also a yes. But both can be true at the same time. What's underneath? Fear, shame, grief, and exhaustion. Let's name the most of these most common under emotions. Fear fear is losing control, being judged, being unsafe, being abandoned. Shame I am failing. I am broken and I am a burden. Grief. The loss of peace, identity, ease, or the person you used to be. Exhaustion. No sleep plus stress equals low anger threshold. Sometimes you're not angry, you're not an angry person. You're a depleted person with a nervous system stuck on duty. Here's a pause plan step by step. It's a simple plan for the moment anger shows up. Number one, name it. This is anger. This is overload. Number two. Two long exhales. Long exhale tells your body to downshift. Step three. Say a pause phrase out loud. You can pick one of these or you can come up with your own. I'm getting heated. I need a minute. I don't want to hurt you with words. I'm pausing. I'm overwhelmed. I'll come back in 20 minutes. But you gotta keep true to these things. It's not if one time it's gonna hit and next time it's not. These are things that need to be practiced. Even I have to practice them. When I've got five, ten minutes to myself, I will do breathing. I will try and answer questions in my head or look at things and look at them like I'm not angry, but if I look at them in an angry mode, how can I fix that? Step four, move your body, walk, cold water, slow pacing, push-ups, discharge, adrenaline. So all these things can do that. Number five, return. Even if you return and say, I'm not ready yet, but I'm coming back, I'm not going to abandon this. That builds trust. Story number three. These are for all first responders. This one's called anger after the shift. I've heard first responders describe coming home after a shift where they've held it together for everybody else. They were calm on scene, professional, and focused. They get home and something small happens. A spilled drink, a loud TV, a question that feels like pressure. They snap. Not because they don't love their family, but because their body has finally stopped performing, and in everything they swallow and everything they swallow all day comes out sideways. What's underneath the anger is that anger often is emotional overload, exhaustion, images they can't unsee, the weight of responsibility, the feeling that nobody understands what the day took out of them. So this isn't so this is the real need. And it's like everyone stop being annoyed. The real need is I need decompression time. I need a transitional time ritual. I need 20 minutes to calm down. That one change building up a decompression buffer can prevent a lot of blowups. But just because I read this story for first responders, I bet you anything that veterans can do the same thing. And that because you know what? Depending on what your job is in the military, there are things that you cannot get rid of out of your mind. You have a day if you are a high ranker, you know the weight of responsibility. So you've got nowhere to go with that. So it's all combined. Here's some de-escalation scripts that are words that work. Calm down doesn't work. Try these. If you're the angry one, I'm activated. I'm going to pause so I don't regret something later. I love you, I'm overwhelmed right now. Under this is fear, shame, exhaustion, and I just need a minute. If you're the spouse or caregiver, I am not your enemy. I want to hear you, but not like this. I'm stepping stepping back. We can talk when it's calmer. I love you, and I need safety in how we talk. If the kids are around, adults are having big feelings, but you are safe. This isn't your fault. Repair. The step that changes the future. Repair isn't weakness. Repair is leadership. Here is a simple repair formula. I got angry and my tone wasn't okay. I can see it scared or hurt you. Under it was feel, fear, shame, and exhaustion. Next time I'll pause earlier and return. What do you need from me right now? Again, these are things that build trust. You've got to be able to come up with different things, different ways, things that work for you. Everything that I've talked about on here today, it may work for you, it may not work for you, but it's a stepping stone into the right direction. Each and every one of us, from the veteran all the way down to the children, we have got to find something that will tell the other people around, I need a minute. I really need a minute. I need to step away. I want to hear how your day went, and I want to hear what you have to say, but right now I can't do it. Right now I need a minute or five just so I can calm down. If you have to, go out back if you've got a porch, sit and just be still. Just be quiet. If you have a drink, bring a drink with you. If you smoke, have a smoke. But whatever you do, let somebody know that you do care, but you need a minute. There's nothing wrong with that. Nobody is going to ever look down on you just because you asked to step away. And this is for anybody in the household, not just the head spouse, but anybody. Kids can say it because they could have a rough day at school, and then you come home and you have a rough day at work, and then guess what? Oh my God, all hell broke loose. And it wasn't because of anything that they've done, it's because what they had inside of them and they couldn't get rid of it and they didn't know how. So this helps a little bit. Even with the spouses, they could have had a pretty good day up to a certain point, then bam, something happened. Or they heard about something. That affects the whole household. So if you are the one coming in and you are having a rough day, please say something. If you are the spouse and you had a rough day and you see the person walking in, can you tell them, hey, after they say hi, say hi back, but tell them, hey, I love you, but I need a few minutes. I need a break from the kids, I need to step away, I need outside for a minute. If you're the a young adult and you had a rough day at school, or you had a rough time with your friends, yeah, come home and say something. If they ask you, hey, what's the matter? Don't say nothing. Because we all know that's bull crap. Because we do it too. But tell them, I'm not having a good day right now and I need a few minutes to chill out. Go upstairs, shut your door, play your music, and be done. Then come down, maybe at dinner time, and you everybody can talk about it. Or you can wait till everything gets quiet. After dinner, if you guys watch TV together, maybe before a TV show. But don't go to bed angry. Anybody, anybody, nobody go to bed angry because you're gonna wake up in a really pissed poor mood. You will. I've I know because I've done it. I will admit it. And it just carries on throughout the day, and it things just get worse and worse from that point because you didn't take the time at the beginning to say something to somebody that, hey, I need a minute to relax. I need I need a chill pill. And because you didn't that did not do that, everything else built on top of it. And then things come out of the woodwork, all kinds of things, stupid things, and it means nothing. So, yes, everybody, do what you gotta do to stay calm. Okay? I it's it's not hard. I know it's not easy, but things do get better. If it hit home today, remember anger can build up. You're not alone. Trust me, you're not alone. And you can build a safer life and a safer home. If you have a hard time or need help or need ideas, you can always email me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.com. I will always be there. I will answer you the best way I know how. If I do not have the answers, I will get the answers for you. Because I want everybody to come home safe and sound. I want everybody to have a safe and sound environment. Okay. And again, if this was just way too much or it's way too much to handle, and you hurt, listen to this, and it kind of triggered something, but you're not sure, text or call 988. Like I said in the beginning, it is open 24 hours a day. It is truthful, but it is confidential too. And they are there to listen. If they have ideas, they may give you some ideas, just like me. Instead of being on a computer listening to me, you could be on a phone listening to somebody. But they are there for you. I promise. So, in closing, I want you to know something. One, I will always have your six, no matter what. Two, say something before it's too late. Practice. Slowly practice. If someone's asking you, what are you doing? I'm practicing a skill. I have problems with anger. Or you don't even have to go that far. You can just tell them I'm practicing to make life better. And just keep going. If they still look at you weird, oh well, the hell with them. They'll figure it out and they'll understand later. But be safe, be honest, be true, help yourself, and help others. So I will see you on the flip side on the next episode. So everybody out there, be good, have fun, and enjoy life.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

I don't know what I'll do without you. Are you okay? So tell me, are you okay?