Episode 48 Triggers Doesn't mean Weak: Help Prepare, Recover and Reduce Shame

Today we’re talking about triggers—those moments when something small on the outside hits something big on the inside. A sound, a smell, a tone of voice, a crowd, a certain time of year… and suddenly your body reacts like you’re back in it.

Artist for the song is Samuel Woods.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xX5HgkUmFUTh0gCQKex2E?si=df8cb70277c74dc9

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Healing Connection. I am your host, Joy McBride, and today we're going to talk about triggers. Those moments when something small on the outside hits something big on the inside. A sound, a smell, a tone of voice, a crowd, a certain time of the year, and suddenly your body reacts like you're right back in it. And I want to start with this. Triggered does not mean that you're weak. Trigger means that your nervous system has learned something so deeply that it remembers without even asking permission. So if you ever want to share your story with me or you would like for me to talk about your story on air, please reach out to me and email me at cooljoe77herobjective.org. I'd really love to hear what you have to say and how you feel about this episode. So please drop me a line. And if you feel unsafe right now, and this is the first time you're reaching out or checking something out, and you need a little extra help, please don't forget to call or text 988. And veterans press one, everybody else hang on the line. And this is open 24-7. It's confidential. No matter what, they will not come busting down your door. But now if there is an issue and they feel like you need extra help, then they may make a call. But I don't know because I haven't been down that road yet. So I can assume, which I probably shouldn't, but that could be an issue. Alright. In this episode, I'm going to give you how to prepare for triggers, what to do, cover, how to recover in the moment, how to reduce shame afterwards, and I'll give you a simple plan that you can put in your phone or write it on paper and carry it around with you. What a trigger actually is. A trigger is not just being annoyed. A trigger is when your body responds to a cue, sound, smell, place, memory, tone, as if there is a danger right now. Even if your logical brain knows that you're stay safe, it can look like heart racing, sweating, anger spikes, shutting down, panic, disassociation, feeling unreal, wanting to escape immediately, irritability or snapping, going numb and quiet. And triggers can hit veterans and first responders, spouses and caregivers who live in a high stress family, kids who feel the emotional weather at home. Triggers aren't a moral failure. Their nervous system is a nervous system pattern. We're going to build skills around that pattern today. The goal I can return, not I'll never be triggered. You see, some people think that healing means that you'll never be able to be triggered again. That is not the best goal. A better goal is I recognize it sooner, I recover from it faster. I don't shame myself afterwards. I have a plan, and that is what we're going to try and build on today. Part one. Prepare. Prepare principle. Lower the baseline. The best trigger plan starts before the trigger. Because if you're running on, already running on no sleep, no food, too much caffeine, too much stress, no downtime, then your nervous system is already at an eight out of ten. So the first prep is not fancy. Here's a baseline. Water, food, sleep when possible, a small movement break, a quiet moment reducing stimulation. Not perfection, just lowering the baseline. And I know that can be hard at times. And when you're first starting out, it is hard. I know because it's taken me a while. And it's practice, practice, practice. Practice things before, and sometimes it doesn't last as long. But you also got to be honest with yourself and somebody else that's in there with you. It does help. In the wild prep, example what? Crowds, stores, events? Let's make it real. If if crowds trigger you, stores, restaurants, festivals, sporting events, here are some prep steps you can do without making it dramatic. Before you go, decide an exit plan where you will step outside. Set a time limit. We'll stay thirty minutes, then reassess. Choose your seat, posi position intentionally, make some room if you need to. Bring a grounding object, keys, coin, small textured item, scent, a rock, anything. Anything that can help you calm down. If you have a service dog, pet your dog. I tell you that a lot. Pet your dog if you have one. Do two long exhales in the car before you enter. And tell your spouse or friend a simple phrase like, hey, if I say yellow light, I need to reset. That's preparation. Prep tool. Your trigger forecast. Here's a skill you can practice weekly. Ask yourself, what settings spike me? Crowds? Loud noises? Conflict? Certain days? Authority figures? What body signs come first? Jaw, chest, hands, stomach, tunnel vision? What helps me calm down fast? A long exhale, cold water, stepping outside, music, movement. So if you could, write this down as your forecast. It's not weakness, it's awareness. Prep for families creating a home plan. For families, especially with kids, create a calm plan before a trigger. Here's a couple examples. A quiet space, a blanket, a soft light, headphones, a simple phrase, yellow light equals reset time. Red light means pause now. Kids do better when they have a map. And you know what? So do us adults. When you set up a plan, especially with your children, they have a better understanding when they hear key words that you talk about. They will know what to do, what to say, how to react, what they need to do. Part two recover. A moment a trigger hits, do less, not more. When a trigger hits, your thinking brain may go offline. So we don't do a long speech. We do a short plan. Here's the order. Body. Breathe. Orientation. Words. Choice. I'll walk you through it. Recovery tool. The long exhale and feet reset. Right now, if you can, as long as you're not driving, I would like for you to try this and see how it feels to you. Or you can change it up to what works best for you. These are just ideas. These aren't set in stone, but it's something to try over time. Put your feet on the floor, inhale through your nose, a long exhale out, longer than the inhale. Again, long exhale. Now press your feet to the floor like you're pushing the earth away. You can quietly say I'm here, I'm safe enough. This tells the nervous system to downshift. Whatever you can do to help that is something definitely you need to try. Recovery tool number two Orienting Back to the room. Triggers pull you into the past. Oriating pulls you into right now. Look around and name three things you see, two things you hear, one thing you feel, chair, cloth, feet. Then you can say that was then. This is now. You're not erasing the memory, you're updating the in the wild recovery example. Fireworks, loud noises. So let's talk about fireworks, sirens, backfires, sudden loud noises. When that boom hits, the body reacts instantaneously and I will contest to that. It sure as hell does. Here's a recovery sequence. Long exhale twice. Orient Couch, wall, lamp, temperature, cold water on the wrist or hold a cold drink. Say that sound is now and I am here. For spouses and caregivers, ask one question only. Do you want space or presence? For kids, this is loud, but we're safe. Let's breathe together. And after the noise stops, do a reconnect. I'm okay. I'm here. That startled me, but we're safe. That's recovery without shame. Recovery number three. Exit with dignity option. Sometimes the best recovery is leaving. Not storming out, not shamewalking, but a plan, calm exit. Something you could say is I need a quick reset, I'll be right back. Step outside, breathe, pull water, walk for two minutes, then decide before you turn around and go back in, do I want to return? Or leave fully with a simple boundary. Because leaving is not failure. Far from it. Leaving is a leadership when you know your own limit. And that's a big thing. We keep pushing and pushing, and we're not getting very far. But if we do and understand our limit of how much we should take, then then go that route. You don't have to be balls to the wall all the time. Take your time, relax, breathe, and check yourself. Ask yourself, am I okay right now? What is going on? Do I need to take a deep breath? Do I need to pull out my scent and smell it? Do I need to rub my rock or my keys a little bit harder? All those things you can do. And in most of them, no one's even going to know if you're doing it in the first place. Reduce shame. The shame spiral after a long trigger. This I think is where people get stuck. The trigger hits, you react, then shame shows up. What's wrong with me? I ruined it. I'm broken. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I'm a burden. Shame doesn't heal triggers. Shame strengthens them. So we should replace shame with a different response. Here's an AAR for you. Data, not judgment. And here's a practice that can you can use after any trigger. Ask what was the trigger? Sound, crowd, tone, place? What did my body do first? Jaw, chest, breathe, tunnel vision? What has helped me even ten percent? Exhale, step outside, orienting or support. What will I do next time? Exit earlier? Snack? Seat choice? Q phases? End with my nervous system did its job. Now I'm training it. That sentence is how you reduce shame. And it is a slow process. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you, well, you go through this and listen to this one day, then if you try the next, you're gonna be so much better. No. You have to try and figure out what works for you because all I'm trying to do is help give you guidance and tools that can help along the way. Now, remember that plan I told you about? The carry with you plan. It's called a stop card. You can screenshot, save, and now I'm going to give you a plan that you can carry with you. You can write it on a card, put it in your phone, or if you're watching this on video, you can screenshot it. It's called the S period T period O period P period trigger plan. So we're going to start with S. Slow the breathing. Two long exhales. Don't make yourself lightheaded, but you know you know where you stand. So I don't need to go into that. T. Touch the present. Feet on floor. Press toes down. Hold keys. Hold coin. Hold a stone. Anything. Oh. Orient to the room. Name three things you see. Remind yourself, I'm here, not there. Pick the next right step. Step outside. Ask for space or presence. Use your pause phrase. Exit with dignity if needed. That's your pocket plan. Once practice it once a day when you're calm. So when something does happen, it's right there. Even if you don't get it all just right, that's okay. It's a start. We all gotta start somewhere and we need to start at the beginning. We don't start midway, we don't stop halfway, we just keep going and we practice all the time. That is what I'm told that I should do. I'm not telling you you should do that, but I'm I would like for you to try it in that. See how it works. If it doesn't work, okay, that's fine. Try what you can and do what you can. All right. So I want to end with this. If you've been living with triggers, it doesn't mean you're weak. It means your nervous system has learned survival. And now you're learning something else. Return. Every time you recover, every time you breathe, orient, and choose the right next step, you're building a new pathway. That's not small, that's real healing. You are actually going further than what you give yourself credit for. You gotta make sure that you do that. Because don't beat yourself up if you don't get it. It's okay. Start back from the beginning and see what where it happened and try and fix it if you can. It's not always going to be perfect, it's not gonna be always in a straight line. That's okay. Do what you can. And like I said in the beginning, if you want to reach out to me and tell me your story, or you would like for me to share your story, if that's okay with you, then please email me at cooljoe seventy seven at heroobjective.org. I am always going to be here. I will be here to listen and try my best to help you. I will that I can I know I can do. And if you are in a crisis any given time, even if it's after listening to this, and you listen or try to listen again and you get overwhelmed, or listening to this made you overwhelm, and you don't know what to do, and you're at your wit's ends, you can call or text 988-Veterans Press 1. Everybody else, just hang on the line, and somebody will be with you within a minute or two. This is always open, 24-7, one day a week, and they're not there to scold you or anything. They're there to listen to you. If they have ideas, that could be something that you could mold in with this. They may have suggestions. They may have a way that you can go about something and how to do it, or who to contact to get the extra help that you need. There's always going to be a way. It is never the right way at the end. You should reach out for help. Please reach out before it's too late. Please do it when you know that you haven't practiced enough. But please do practice. You're just sitting there in the office or in your chair, or you're kind of watching TV. Hey, you know what? You can practice it silently with nobody else knowing. Or you could practice with your spouse and go through some of the drill. You can also practice with your children and the whole family. So everybody is on the same page, and everybody will understand when something is said, we go to plan A. If that doesn't work, we go to plan B. Or plan C. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be just one or two things. Try different things. Something will work. It's just finding that magic sweet spot. I don't know where it is. I've have yet to find it. But when you do, you'll know. And that's what you should do. So I want you to know one last thing. I will always have your six. And until next time, be safe, be strong, and keep moving. And I will see you on the flip side.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

I don't wanna lose you. It ain't easy because I know for this food right. Tell me, are you okay? Cause I don't wanna say goodbye. I don't know what I'll do without you. Are you okay? So tell me, are you okay?