Episode 47 Strong doesn't mean Silent

I want to get straight to the point. A whole lot of strong people are suffering in silence.
They are dependable. They show up. They handle things. They carry people. They lead. They work. They protect. They provide. They keep the wheels turning.
And because they are so used to being the strong one, people assume they are okay. Sometimes they assume that too.
The artist is Samuel Woods.
https://open.spotify.com/track/0xX5HgkUmFUTh0gCQKex2E?si=40091654e7f842b3

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast of Killing Connection. I am your host, Joey McBride, and today's episode is called Strong Doesn't Mean Silent. And I want to get straight to the point. A whole lot of strong people are suffering in silence. They're dependable, they show up, they handle things, they carry people, they lead, they work, they protect, they provide. And most of all they keep the wheels turning. So because they are so used to being the strong one, people assume that they are okay. Sometimes they assume that too much. But strength is not the same as silence. And silence has cost too many people too much. You know what I'm saying right there. Just let that thing sink in for a little bit and know that silence is a killer. There is a culture in a lot of communities, military fur military, first responders, caregivers, family systems, even faith communities where people get rewarded for being the one who can take it. The one who can absorb pressure, the one who does not complain, the one who keeps moving, the one who handles it. That creates a dangerous belief. A belief that if you are strong you should not need help. The belief that if you speak up you're weak. The belief that if you tell the truth you're falling apart. No. To all of that, I mean it. Telling the truth is strength. Asking for help is strength. Naming what is real before it destroys your peace is strength. Silence can look strong for a while, but silence also gets expensive. Silence grows isolation, feeds shame, deepens distance, keeps families guessing, keeps marriages disconnected. It teaches people, children most of all, their feelings should be hidden. Silence keeps pain underground until it comes out sideways. And when it does, Lord help us, does it? And sideways pain hurts people. It hurts a person work person carrying it. It hurts people living near it. So we may ask ourselves, what does healthy strength actually sound like? It sounds like this. I am struggling, I am tired, I need help, I need hangry, and I need to talk before this gets too worse. I don't know what to do with what I'm carrying. I've been pretending I am fine. I need support. That, my friends, is healthy strength. And let me say this clearly to the people who are listening who used to be that strong one. Being strong doesn't mean being unreachable. Being strong means carrying all of it alone. But being strong does not mean never crying, never resting, never asking, never admitting, and never receiving. Being strong means be is willing to face the truth. And here are at least three reasons why people are silent. One, they fear the judgment. People will be worried about how they were are seen amongst others. Worrying that they may lose respect. Worrying that people will think that they are just too weak. Number two, the habit. Some people have been silent for so long they don't even know how to talk about what they feel. It feels unnatural, it feels risky, it feels uncontrollable. So why would we want to talk about it? Three protection. Sometimes silence starts as a way to of survival. If you were in environments where vulnerability was unsafe, silence made sense. But what helped you survive may now be what is hurting you. And that, I'm sorry, is part of a hard truth. It's an important one. So you ask, how do I break this silence in an unhealthy way? Start small. You don't have to tell everyone everything all at once. Start with one safe person a spouse, a close friend, a pastor, a therapist, me, whatever, wherever you feel safe. That's what you need. You need one person that will sit there and listen and not say anything, not make a judgment of who you are, where you've been, what you've done, what you had to do, what you didn't do. Talk to that person. Start small. Say it before it boils over. Do not wait until your emotions are out of control. I would speak while there is still peace to respond. Be pacific though in when you ask. Instead of fine, try something like this. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry. I feel far away. I need support. And if you can't do that, practice it. Practice it when you're at home. Practice it when you're standing in front of the mirror after a shower, or after you shave, or after you brush your teeth, or after all the above. Stand in front of that mirror and say that. So you can see you and what you are seeing in others. Families need language. Your kids need language. Your spouses need language. Caregivers need language. If you want healing in in your house, somebody has to be brave to go first. I pray that that person is you. I really do. You don't like I said, you don't have to start big, you don't have to start deep, but you can start a conversation. Why? Because you are the strong one. You are the one who can make a difference in you. Not for somebody else, but just for you. You need to be honest with yourself and tell somebody I need to talk. I want to share this with you. I feel bad because of this. I have got so much guilt on my shoulders, I don't know what to do, I don't know where to bend. I would like for you to take the time out to listen to me. Those are things you can say. Those are things that matter. You can tell yourself all day that you're fine, but as soon as something starts like that, you're not. But yet five minutes ago you said you were fine, you were strong. What happened? Nobody knows what happens but you. You have the power to change that. You have the power to look at yourself every day. Even if you gotta start this every day, so what? But every day, look at yourself in the mirror and say, I'm going to make one change today. I don't know what that is, but I'm gonna make one change today. And that is what you need to do. Tell yourself you're gonna change one thing today. Whether it's uh telling a small story, whether it's writing it down, whether it's emailing it to me, it doesn't matter. You're taking the first step. And that's what matters. Now if you want to do email me, you can at cooljoe77 or at heroobjective.org. So I want you to understand it doesn't have to stop with somebody else. Be the brave one, not the silent one. Because I can guarantee you the guarantee you the other person almost is thinking that same thing right now. Maybe I should say something. Maybe I didn't say enough. Maybe it seems that. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. That is what your other partner is feeling. That is what a friend may be feeling. Don't stop. Don't feel that just because you are feel strong and you are strong and you've been strong, that it makes you any less of a person if you open the gate. Open it a little, let somebody in. Because we all know that strength, and I said it before, and I'll say it again, of your silence is a killer. Do you honestly think that we're gonna tell somebody that we're gonna kill ourselves? No. Why? Because that's one more thing that we have to carry to the grave. Because we told ourselves we are strong and we can do it. Nobody can defeat me, but life defeats you. Why? Don't let that why be an unanswered question. Why? Because I'm not sure I know what to do. That, I promise you, is okay. It is fine if you don't know what to do. Stand up. Be that person, that strong person that you were when you first started the military, when you first started at EMT school, when you first went on your first solo, whether it was your first fire, that little bit that you felt that nobody would ever be able to understand may be true, but they want to understand how you feel. They want to understand what's going on with you. Let them in. Don't shut the door and keep everybody away. Eventually, that's going to get to you. And I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to read about it. Because we can do something about us. We can do something to try and help us, not fix us, but help us. The more that we get help, the more that we can let some, some of this weight off our shoulders. Some of us have been carrying it around for years on end, some of us for maybe for a few weeks, maybe for a few months, but we've all carried it, and nobody has told us how to deal with it. I'm telling you today, share a part of your story. Tell somebody I am not okay. Tell somebody I hurt today. And when they ask why or what or how, ask them if they could just listen. No questions, no rebuttal, just to listen to what is going on with me. You will gain more respect, more kindness, more understanding, and yes, more compassion. So please, for the sake of this little family that we have on podcast, I ask that you please do not go down that road. I ask that if you do or you are thinking about it, please, please, down 988. Somebody will be there for you. Somebody will care. Cooljo70 HeroObjective.org. Send me it. I will reach out to you the exact next day because I check my emails every single day. So if you send me something, I will reply. If you can't wait and you need an answer now, okay, text 988. Text somebody that is supposed to be a good friend of yours. Wake your spouse up. I know you know what they may be mad at first, but you know what? After you talk to 'em, they're not going to be mad anymore. They're going to be sympathetic. Sympathetic. They want to make sure that you are okay. I want to make sure that you're okay. So please hang in there. Don't do nothing that can jeopardize who you are. Strong does not mean silent. Strong means honest, means aware, means teachable, means you're willing to speak before the weight crushes you. It means letting somebody stand beside you. Let them in, like I said. I promise it'll be well worth it. I do want to say to you today, keep reaching, keep refusing isolation, keep from being the only one. Let others in so they can be a part of your one. I want you to remember, I will always have your six, and until next time, I will see you on the flip side. Thank you.